I'm Not a Doctor.

But I wish I had one that was an adoptee.

I saw my doctor today.

I left crying¹.

I cried the entire way home..which is about a 25 minute journey. The clinic I use has a location one minute from my house but I choose the distant location because I want a doctor that is a woman of color and the distant location has one.

My doctor is awesome in a lot of ways. She generally listens to me and acknowledges I know my body best. She listens to me with intention when I tell her about my symptoms. She’s empathetic and conservative, often, in her prescription of medications. We talk about somatic practices, food and exercise as much as we discuss meds. She seems to genuinely care about my well-being in a holistic way.

But…she’s not an adoptee.

Before yesterday, I’d had many an awful experiences with doctors and wanted to cry upon leaving their offices. I am a Black woman. Women tend to get shit medical care and Black women even worse. Combine that - I am realizing now - with a complete disregard by society and most of the medical field that adoption is trauma and you get a shitty experience at the doctor².

Often I, and other adoptees, are triggered at the doctor before we even speak with someone. The forms you fill out remind you that you don’t have a family medical history. They remind you that your biology is unknown and that you’ve never met anyone genetically related to you. They might remind you that you’ve never met your parents. As you get older, you’re often reminded because your doctor might take the most aggressive course of action with your care - since you don’t know what you’re predisposed for or what “runs in the family.”

My visit yesterday really triggered me, I think, because I could not convince my doctor that my overwhelming and constant anxiety wasn’t just my ADHD. That they way I came into this world is imprinted on my brain. That yes, ADHD is too, but I feel like I am being adequately treated for that right now³. What I am not being adequately treated for is my anxiety⁴. I tried to explain, with scrambled words, that my adoption is a part of my brain as much as ADHD is. That I was so afraid at birth I became worried and numb. That I was so anxious about losing my new family I became hypervigilant and constantly worried about their happiness. That I’ve always been this way but don’t want to be.

She gave me a referral to psychiatry, so I got what I wanted, but not until after I felt like shit. I had to admit to my doctor that the reason I didn’t tell her how bad my mental health was…was because I didn’t know. That I thought the things happening in my brain were “normal.” That I had to make friends with other adoptees before someone understood me and gave me language and limbic resonance to understand myself.

She generally disregarded the fact that I experience extreme anxiety, and that there are distinct symptoms of anxiety that I need treated - that may be exacerbated by my ADHD, sure - but are distinct⁵.

These conversations are hard. And when you lay yourself out there and you’re still not able to convince someone that adoption feels like what I am trying to treat…it is painful.

Adoption feels like a disease or disorder that needs to be treated. The way my brain changed as an infant should be acknowledged by society so we can properly attend to the mental health needs of adoptees and foster youth. Adoption is trauma and trauma impacts our brains.

I got home and my hubs, bless his heart, tried to be there for me. He asked me why I was crying. He later said he’s realized I don’t like being touched when I am sad⁶ so he didn’t hug me despite his wanting to. He just sat next to me. He was just there for me.

And all I could say to him was… “I hate being adopted.”

1. HURRAH! I left myself experience feelings! I also realized I felt anger, embarrassment, shame, and sadness. I used my feelings wheel to dig deeper and came up with stuff like: humiliated, violated, insignificant and hesitant. Yay therapy.

2. And with a large cross-section of society.

3. I take 100mg of Strattera for ADHD, just an FYI, if you’re ADHD and are considering meds.

4. For anxiety I take 150mg of Effexor, just an FYI. We have upped this to 187.5 mg after my visit. A lot of adoptees I talk to take Lexapro.

5. I am constantly worried.

6. I think he’s right but I hadn’t ever thought of this. My instinct is to deal alone…which I think plays a role.